Elevators are awkward; they just are. They are also oftentimes amusing. Working downtown, on the 12th floor, the elevator is unavoidable. OK, it is avoidable … but I prefer not to sit at my desk sweating.
I’ve worked downtown going on 7 years now; I take the elevator 3-4 times a day … this post has been a long time coming. If an elevator had thoughts … they would surely consist of these …
- Easy buddy … no need to jam yourself into the elevator as if you’re going to cease to live if you don’t get on the elevator RIGHT NOW … how about we let the people out of the elevator first…
- Hey nice guy, no need to hold the doors open for everyone and their mother just because you can see them entering the building ... it's called an 'elevator bank' for a reason ... there's more than one...
- Who’s the funny guy facing towards the back of the elevator? Face front, eyes down, just like everyone else… guy...
- Yes, the camera in the corner is real. Yes, someone is actually watching you...
- Seriously, guy? You got on at street-level … and you just pressed "1" … ?!? Reminder, put note above buttons: “if you’re lazy (or pregnant): floors 1-20, if you’re not lazy: Floors 3-20”...
- It’s awkward in here isn’t it … I thought the mirrored walls would help … this way eye-contact is unavoidable...
- Speaking of my mirrored walls … hey lady, this is an elevator, not a powder room...
- Hey guy … I know that no one called you, sent you a text, or emailed you … pulling out your phone and pretending so is lame; Just cause everyone does it doesn’t make it cool...
- ‘DING’ [door opens] … everybody now, the elevator shuffle: to the left … to the right… to the back…
- Will someone please give a speech? Oh, … no one even talks in an elevator? Then perhaps we should stop using ‘elevator speech’...
- Speaking of figure of speech … Seriously?!? … did someone seriously drop a deuce in their pants?!? Com’on dude … no one is actually supposed to do it! That is just wrong. Reminder, check camera for culprit … make mental note to plummet to the ground the next time he gets on...
- And no, guy, jumping will not save you when I plummet to the ground...
- Yes, the alarm button … actually triggers an alarm; hence the word ‘alarm’ on it...
- Speaking of buttons … hey YOU, yes you who's mashing the ‘door close’ button… I get it, I got it the first time you pressed it … your subsequent mashing isn’t going to make the door close any faster...
I love it...you had me laughing out loud...with strangers...in the elevator...oh crap
ReplyDeletebilly is blogging? never would have guessed it! blogging about elevators, yes, but posting your thoughts on the internets, no. i like.
ReplyDeleteMy other favorite is when someone gets on the elevator that is packed facing everyone already in the elevator and then realizes that as the door closes there isn't enough room for them to turn around. So 8 people awkwardly stare at 1.
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